A Taste of Sunlight by Pavarti
by Just a Kiss Contest
Summary: ENTRY FOR THE JUST A KISS CONTEST: A rare find in the junkyard helps Bella see the treasure that's been hidden right in front of her.  Alternative to scene beginning in New Moon pg 145.
1. Chapter 1

**Story Title: ****A Taste of Sunlight**

**Penname: ****Pavarti**

**Summary: ****A rare find in the junkyard helps Bella see the treasure that's been hidden right in front of her. Alternative to scene beginning in New Moon pg 145**

**Word Count: ****8200 (wow, look at that round number! That never happens!)**

**To view other entries, please visit: ****.net/u/2922402/Just_a_Kiss_Contest**

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><p>The junkyard wasn't exactly my cup of tea. It wasn't so much that I minded being there amongst the remains of the long dead vehicles. Actually, I felt at home. I was like them, a shell of what I used to be. Some of the parts within were salvageable and might even run, but as a whole I was broken and useless. No good for even the most rudimentary purposes I had been designed for.<p>

But it wasn't me we were here for. The graveyard of metal and grease was a playground for Jacob. I watched him him crawl around, beneath cars and buses, only to pop up with a smile and grease on his cheek to gleefully display his latest treasure. He was able to find beauty in every twisted piece of discarded scrap he found. It was hard not to get caught up in his excitement.

We had already uncovered many of the things he needed to fix the bikes I had found, and ill conceived as my notion had been, it was turning out to be a great idea.

"Bells, oh my God, do you know what this is?" he called from the other side of a heap of scrap metal.

"What'd you find?" I scrambled over the hood of the already disemboweled Honda in front of me so I could see what he had discovered. Here with Jacob I didn't think, and the broken pieces of me didn't hurt. Instead I was smiling and remembering what it was like to have fun.

Even though it was summer, I had on a long sleeve shirt and a pair of Jacob's gloves he'd insisted I wear… "To ward off tetanus, he had explained with a wicked glint in his eye. I knew he'd enjoyed teasing me about my tendency to incur injury, but it was ok; every time I saw that smile, the hole inside of me closed up just a little more and the pain in my chest receded further into the back of my mind. Every moment I was with Jake was like a heavenly reprieve from the pain I'd come to accept as natural.

"This is completely unbelievable." I could see the top of Jake's head as he bent down to peer beneath a precariously placed car door.

"What?" I asked again, getting closer but the going was slow. "Crap!" I ripped my jeans on a pipe that jutted out from what appeared to be an entire pile of old water heaters.

"Are you okay?" Jacob's head popped up from behind the mysterious find, looking concerned.

"I'm fine. Stupid pipe tried to bite me, but I defeated it."

"With your cunning and grace?"

"As always."

"It is, after all, how you defeated me." He smiled, blurring the lines of our friendship just a little more with nothing but a wink and his quick wit.

I said nothing in response. It took too much effort to keep telling him no, he knew how I felt and I knew how he felt. Nothing was going to change. I was just too broken for him to fix. Sometimes I would forget for a moment and let myself remember what it was like to _feel_. But those moments were fleeting: the swell of a song, the color of a flower, the smell of someone's sweet perfume would always return to remind me of everything I had lost.

"So what's the find of the century?" I asked as I weaved my way around a final obstacle of tires and rebar.

With a flourish Jacob stood up and held his hand out, displaying what appeared to be half of a rusty Model-T. It was up on cinder blocks, and only one door remained attached to the husk of machinery before me; even that was dangling precariously. There were no seats inside the metal frame of the long dead thing that had been picked over by scavengers. All that was left was a useless shell.

"Um, Jake… I think it's a little broken."

"You don't see beyond what's in front of you. You never do see the greatness of possibilities." Another smile, another jab at my crumbling wall of resistance.

"I thought we were looking for parts for the bikes."

"We are, but _look!"_

I stared at him blankly, twisting my toe into the soft mud beneath me, feeling the heat of his excitement against my skin.

"I don't get it," was all I could say as I walked closer to him. Jake reached his hand out for mine and I took it. He helped me climb over a small wall of bricks and slate until I was next to him in the small space his enormous presence occupied. He had gotten so much… _bigger._

My hand still in his, he smiled and pulled me down into a crouch so that I could see underneath the monstrosity I had been under the impression he was trying to show me.

"Look," he pointed into the darkness.

"I don't see anything."

"How? It's right there! Come on." He crouched and folded his body up impossibly small and began to crawl beneath the deathtrap in front of us.

"What are you doing?" I reached out to grab at him but he was already gone.

"Jake!"

"Jake!"

"Jacob!"

"God Bells, what are you, my mom?" his head popped back out of the hole with a mocking smile. "Look." He came back out pulling behind him, rather dragging something black and twisted.

"Wow Jake, you found trash, in a junk yard. I'm so impressed."

"Shut up, just look." He straightened up and began to pull out what loosely resembled a motorcycle.

"This is a BMW R75/5." He said reverently as he pulled the hulking machine the rest of the way out. He indicated with his head for me to get out of the small space we inhabited. With a quick heft, he lifted the bike and carried it out into the open space behind us. His body didn't seem to even register the weight he supported. It had to be 400... 500 pounds of metal, but Jake lifted it over his head easily.

"How can you pick that thing up?" I gasped

"It's really not that heavy." His breathing was even and his voice calm as he maneuvered out over the short wall with the bike and set it down next to me.

"Still…" I eyed the bike and then Jacob. When had he gotten so _strong_?

"Bella, this is an original constant vacuum carburetor!" He was hunched over the bike, inspecting its inner workings. The rusted metal and missing handle bar did nothing to dissuade his excitement.

"Okay…"

"This fucker was built in Germany! This is… God it's got to have 50 horsepower at 6400 rotations per minute. I mean, this is a powerful bike and it's old. Look." He polished the top of the gas tank with his sleeve, showing off the old fashioned BMW logo with something engraved in German.

"I read these things top out at 109 miles per hour…"

He was lost in his own thoughts, and I watched the boy who was quickly becoming a man inspect the leather seat and the wheels. His mind was churning through his knowledge of bikes and history and engineering and I could see that there was so much more to him. I'd thought he was just the kid I'd known from childhood, who was sweet and funny and had a little crush on me. To be honest, that made me feel... better... special... But he was so much more than that.

"Bikes are really simple, they're basically all the same." He looked up at me, his eyes beaming with excitement. "I can get this running Bells, I know I can! Can you imagine? Man, that would be so amazing."

"Well… let's get it." I offered, speaking from my heart, wanting nothing in the world but to keep the joy in the eyes of my best friend for as long as I could. I knew eventually all of this would come crashing down. As much as I was trying to play the game, I was also willing to do anything I had to for the sound of _his_ voice, even if it was only a delusion in my mind. I owed Jacob something, he should have... something, even if I couldn't give him what I knew he wanted from me.

"No, Bells, this is too much, we need to get the parts for the other bikes…" he sighed and looked wistfully at the prize beneath his hands. "I just got excited. Come on, we can grab the fuses I need from the Yamaha I saw on the way in." His shoulders slumped as he resigned himself to letting go of the BMW. Another in a series of disappointments in the life of Jacob Black.

I couldn't understand why, but I was suddenly furious. Furious at the world that had taken his mother from him, furious at the sisters who had abandoned him to take care of his sick father, furious at myself for having nothing to offer him, nothing beyond the hunk of metal perched on its kickstand next to me.

He stepped away and forced a smile before clamboring back out to the main path. His hands were dug deep in his pockets as he strode away from me, his head bent, long hair falling over his shoulders in waves of regret.

"Jake!" I screamed, and pulled myself up out of the clearing and back over the abandoned Honda. "Jake!"

He stopped and turned around, a half smile on his face but his eyes were dull and resigned.

"We're getting it," I declared.

"Bells…"

"No, we're getting it!"

"We can't, we need the parts for the other two bikes."

"Screw the other bikes!" Jake's eyes widened at my exclamation and he tried to keep from laughing.

"What?" he cocked his head looking at me as if I'd sprouted wings. The shine behind his eyes relit and urged me on.

"I… I don't really need a bike. I mean, it was just a fun idea. We should get that one, work on that instead and I'll just ride with you."

"You shouldn't spend your money on that. You wanted something for yourself!" His protest was sincere but weak as he eyed the bike lustfully, and I knew that just the idea of having it thrilled him.

"No, I just wanted something… I just wanted something to do, something to pull me out of whatever hole I've been buried in, but I don't need a bike." In the back of my mind there was a nagging voice telling me not to do this, that the bike was the key to hearing Edward's perfect velvety voice again, that this was going to be my salvation. I shook my head and forced Edward out of my thoughts. For once, I could do something simply because it made someone else happy.

"I want you to have it. And I'll still help and we'll fix it and get it running and we'll have so much fun riding it… together."

Jacob took a step toward me and I shivered, feeling the wind distort the clear line I kept drawn between us.

"It'll be ours then, it'll be both of ours and you can drive it too, I'll still teach you."

"Okay, but, I think I'd like to just ride along." I smiled, embarrassed by my admission.

"Oh my God! Bells, a BMW! It's a fucking BMW!" His elation peeked out like the sun behind the gloomy clouds overhead and it was impossible not to get wrapped up in his excitement. "Thank you! Thank you thank you thank you!"

Jacob swept me up into his arms, crushing me to his chest so suddenly and hard that for a moment I couldn't breathe. Instead of gasping for breath though I found myself laughing as he spun me in the grungy junkyard, enthusiasm radiating off of him like the blazing heat of the sun. He was literally bouncing with excitement.

"Come on." He took my hand and we walked back to where the bike laid waiting. It was perfect, small and powerful. It was sexy. The bike was everything it was supposed to be, perfect in form and function.

Jake released my hand and leapt over a pile of discarded parts. His movement was graceful and effortless and I wondered when he had grown up so much. How had I missed his transition from awkward boy to what was standing before me? He matched the bike perfectly, powerful and… sexy.

I flushed to find I was staring at him, watching his shoulders as he walked away. His hands were large but his fingers long and delicate and I could see the gentleness he used as he inspected the bike one last time, lovingly gazing and stroking every valve and hose.

He looked up and caught my eyes, his gaze dark as I blushed.

"I'll... I'm gonna go up front, see how much it is." I stammered before waving awkwardly and turning to rush away.

"Bells…" he stood up as I turned around. "Really, thank you, no one's ever done something like this for me. It's amazing."

"I'm just glad you like it." I shuffled my feet in the dusty path as the heat rose in my cheeks until I had to look away. "I'll… I'll meet you at the truck."

"I'll be there."

"With Bells on…" I quipped back, looking over my shoulder to see him stunned silent: a rare occurrence. With a smile I bounced toward the front office, happy to hand over my life savings for the look on Jacob's face.

"You sure you don't need help getting that rusty thing onto your truck?" the man at the counter asked again, eying me up and down. I couldn't wait to get out of there, he'd been looking at me like some creepy uncle since I'd walked in the door. At least I'd gotten a good price for the bike, I think, or at least I got a price I could afford - which wasn't much.

"No, thanks, I have a friend with me." I turned and walked out of the trailer which served as the office and saw Jacob as he finished hoisting the bike up onto the bed of my pickup. He was hot and his hair was pulled back into a low ponytail. Usually it was down around his shoulders but with it back, I could see the hardened line of his jaw and strong set of his mouth. He had lost all of the baby fat from his features over the past few weeks. Standing out in the sun, his tee-shirt dirty and grease streaked along one high cheekbone, he took my breath away.

In another world, if things had gone differently, I could have loved him. I could have fallen into the beauty that stood before me and lived a life without monsters or fairytale romances. If I was a normal girl in a normal world, I could have lived an extraordinarily happy life with him. But I wasn't. And I couldn't.

"Come on Bells, we gotta get to Hoquiam if we wanna get to the Checker's before they close."

"Yeah, um, I know, I'm coming," I stammered, regathering my woolen thoughts.

He opened the passenger door while rolling his eyes at me and hopped in. I rounded the back of my truck, looked up at the beautiful machinery I had bought my best friend, and wondered if I didn't deserve just a little bit of normalcy in my life.

"Bells!" he hollered from the driver's window. He stuck his head out like an overgrown puppy. I could almost see his tail wagging with excitement. "Come on!" he whined and I laughed before making my way to the driver's seat.

The ride out to Hoquiam went quickly. Jacob prattled on excitedly during the hour long drive. He sat sideways in his seat, his oversized frame twisted so that his back was against the door and his eyes glued to my face. His hands gestured emphatically as he explained to me again how the Indian bike was surpassed by BMW during the thirties.

"See the BMW had a shaft drive and its engine and transmission were in the same housing. They built it out of aluminum so it was light. You know BMW makes jet engines too. So they know how to make them fast."

"Mmhmmm." I nodded as if I understood what he was talking about, encouraging him to continue. I may not know or care about what a valve engine was or how motorcycles were used during WWII, but what I did care about was the sound of my friend's voice.

"You know, they used to drop BSA bikes out of planes for paratroopers to find and use during the war so they could be dropped in further away from the action, taking the Germans by surprise. Too bad the Germans were the bad guys, they made some great engines."

"You mean the Nazis?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, well, the Germans anyway."

"Nazis," I corrected.

"They weren't _all_ Nazis."

"One good engine and you're defending genocide," I teased, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.

"Well, if the Spanish had brought a decent carriage design with them in addition to small pox, maybe we would have gotten along better."

"Jacob!" I reached out to smack him with the back of my hand, but he caught it and held it in his own. His hand was warm and surrounded mine easily, making me forget all the reasons I was supposed to protest the contact.

The day passed smoothly. The sun above us and the sun of Jacob's goodness warmed me and threatened to thaw the ice that had frozen my heart in place. When Jake felt confident that he had the things he needed to fix the BMW, we began the drive home.

"So what will we do with the other bikes?" I asked as Jacob traced the lines on the palm of my hand, stirring feelings inside me I didn't want, but couldn't push away.

"I don't know, we could sell them to the junk yard for scrap I guess."

"Would we get much for that?"

"Nah, not even enough to cover what we got at Checker's."

"Why don't you just keep them then? They have to be good for something."

"That doesn't seem fair, I mean, I get three bikes and you get none?"

"Well, maybe we should give them to Quil and Embry, let them fix them if they want." I suggested.

He looked up at me and smiled, "That's a great idea Bells." His fingers danced across my open palm, slowly following a vein to my wrist.

"What's this?" he asked when he came to the bite mark that still scarred my skin.

"Nothing." I jerked my hand away, reminded suddenly of _him_ and the hole in my chest threatened to re-open.

"Doesn't look like a normal scar Bells." He pulled my hand back to him and laid my hand on his leg, palm up. We were almost back to La Push and night was descending around us quickly. Changes came quickly in Forks, there was very little warning before your life was plunged into total darkness.

"I just cut it on something, it wasn't a big deal."

Without another word Jake lifted my arm, one hand under my elbow the other circling my wrist. He lifted my palm to his face to look closer and then, without warning, he dropped his lips to the cool scar that branded me. His lips were warm and the contact sent a shiver through my entire body. I felt his heat against my skin beneath the veil of ice that covered the scar.

My heart stilled and my mind became blank. The truck slowed to a stop in the middle of the road. I was unable to concentrate on driving or thinking or breathing as he lowered his lips again, placing another chaste kiss upon my wrist.

A tremor broke through me as the engine idled loudly and I closed my eyes. There was no traffic on the back street we had taken. Darkness draped around us, a beat old pickup truck, teetering on the verge of death with a rare and beautiful treasure in its flatbed, stopped in the middle of a rarely used back road that would have gotten us back to La Push in only ten more minutes if I'd kept driving

"Jake…" I whispered, unsure.

He didn't speak, didn't make a joke to break the tension. Instead he kissed my wrist again, this time his lips were parted and the searing heat of his mouth set my skin on fire.

I gasped as the tendrils of fire burned through my scar, scorching through me, until it was finally, only a scar. I looked over to find Jake's eyes closed as he inhaled deeply against my skin. The cooling pull of air drifted over the wet kiss he had left behind and sent a shiver through my soul.

"Jake…" I sighed. Knowing I should tell him to stop, that I belonged to someone else, that I was broken and he was good, so good, so much better than I could ever be.

Jacob kissed the inside of my forearm, and then my wrist again. His open mouth captured the skin of my arm and pulled it into his mouth.

Heat shot up my arm, through my veins and beat against the coldness of my heart. My conflicted soul raged against what was happening, trying to make a claim on me in _his_ name. The flag firmly planted in my heart hung at half mast as I mourned his leaving. But he did leave, and now my skin was screaming out a name I never thought I would utter with desire.

"Jake..."

"I know you don't feel the way I do." He breathed against my skin as he brought his lips to the crook of my elbow, still holding my arm gently. "I know you don't now." His voice was thick and low. "But you could, I could show you, I can be what you need."

His lips pressed against the sensitive skin and a shudder broke through me. His lips were soft and heavenly against my flesh and my heart leapt at his words. I think I whimpered, but I can't be sure; I was lost in the feeling of his breath against my skin.

A need I couldn't explain began to build inside of me, leaving me wanting and breathless. I was shaking despite the palpable heat within the cab of the truck. It was Jacob's touch, his lips, and the melting of my frozen heart that struck me dumb.

He sighed as I sat silent, my eyes closed as I revelled in the moment. He kissed my palm again, a sweet sadness on his lips, and then dropped it to his lap, lacing his fingers through mine. His breath was ragged as he looked down at our hands entwined for a long moment.

When the silence became too much I pulled my hand away and placed it on the wheel. I could see him deflate out of the corner of my eye at what he interpreted to be rejection. I revved the engine and resumed our trek to La Push. When my heart had slowed, I took a deep breath and reached over to lay my hand palm up on Jacob's lap.

Startled he sat up straighter, and then I saw the brightest smile break free from his face as he took my hand between both of his own. I didn't let myself think or worry. I simply enjoyed the feeling of his hands around mine. His thumb rubbed absently at my wrist, sending shots of tingling pleasure up my arm.

I shouldn't have allowed it. I should have pulled away. I knew that I was only selfishly using him so that I could feel - feel anything. But something stopped me from taking my hand from him; and it was that, quite simply, Jacob made me happy, and his hands on mine made me feel whole.

We drove the rest of the way to La Push that way, hand in hand. Eventually, when our pulses had slowed, we began to chatter as if nothing had happened. Jacob told me about Quil's latest dating disaster; he'd asked out a girl who turned out to be his cousin. He asked me about Forks and I hated to admit I didn't know what was going on with the people who had been my friends.

I had fallen so far out of my own life I didn't even recognize who I was. But for the first time I was trying. Jake's thumb never stopped caressing my wrist, soothing and coaxing me out of my wallowing. When our conversation fell into a lull my mind flit back to the feeling of his lips against my flesh.

Finally we pulled into his driveway and with renewed excitement, Jake bounced from the cab and ran to retrieve his treasured possession. I hauled the two bags of whatever he had purchased at the auto shop off the bench seat with an indulgent smile and followed him into the garage.

Soon Jacob had everything unpacked on his work bench and began trying to explain to me what each part was and what tools he would need for which parts. After laying everything out in order and getting the bike set up where he wanted it, he leaned against the bench and ran a greasy hand across his brow.

"Are you hungry?" he asked suddenly.

"Oh, yeah, sure."

"Let's order a pizza, huh? Dad won't be home for a few more hours and you don't have to go do you? I mean, it's Friday night."

"Yeah" I smiled despite myself. "That sounds good. Charlie's on third shift anyway, but he wouldn't care how late I was out if I was with you."

Jacob beamed at the confirmation that my father approved of him. "So that means you don't have to go home at all then huh? Maybe I should kidnap you and keep you here forever."

"Forever's a long time," I countered with a sideways smile.

"I don't think it'd be long enough."

Jacob smiled again, and as he walked toward me to go inside the house, he stopped and wrapped his large hand around my wrist. The world stopped for a moment as his dark eyes deepened and gazed into mine so intensely I thought for sure I would melt. He leaned down and my pulse quickened, my heart jumping around within its frozen encasement as if it were capable of feeling love.

A lock of hair fell from his ponytail as he brought his lips to my cheek gently. It was a simple kiss, light and innocent, but its meaning broke me. His fingers wrapped softly around my wrist, his strength held in check next to me. The feeling of his skin sent waves of warmth through my insides. I turned to look up at him, my eyes half closed and my lips parted, waiting…

But all he did was smile and release his hold on me before backing away and jogging into the house. I felt the increasing need within me protest his departure.

I watched as he left the light of the garage and entered the darkness outside. With a deep breath I shook my head, trying to undo the spell he was casting over me. What was wrong with me? I was in love with Edward…

Edward.

Edward.

I said it out loud as a test.

"Edward."

The hole inside of me stayed closed. Somehow without thinking I had allowed his name to enter my consciousness and had felt… nothing. No breaking, no debilitating pain, no spiral of agony and self loathing. Without my consent my heart had healed, the hole within me had sealed itself up. Who was I without the weight of my pain?

I sat on the small couch in the garage and looked at my hands. They were so small, so ordinary. Just like all of me.

My nails weren't painted and my cuticles were all ripped up because I chewed on them during school. My fingers were short and the veins on the back of my hands popped up, mocking me with the blood flowing beneath. For the first time in months, though, I didn't resent that I was alive. Instead I turned my hand over and looked at the scar on my wrist with a smile. It was no longer the site of my denied death.

When I looked at it I could feel Jake's lips on my skin, and a shiver ran through me at the memory of his warmth.

I heard Jacob walk back into the garage and looked up. His eyes were so kind and full of love. I'd never noticed how full his lips were or how the slant of his eyes matched his father's.

Up until now, I'd taken his time and his friendship for granted. I'd taken everything he gave me freely without even the intention of reciprocation. But the imprint of his lips upon my scar had done more than warm my frozen skin or heal my broken heart; it had taught me that even though I was so desperate to give my life in the name of love, I'd really never known what _real _love was.

I stood up, my hands shaking as I ran one through my hair. Jake stood at the entrance of the garage. My breath was shallow as I faced the reality of Jacob Black. He was beautiful and strong. He was good and spontaneous. He was passionate and had given me so much in just a few days together.

"Bells?" he rasped, his voice caught in his chest.

"Yeah Jake."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah." I took another step forward. "I am, I really am." I smiled as his face betrayed his confusion. He stood still as I approached, one hand grasping my scarred wrist. I ran my finger along the indentation of James' bite and for the very first time was thankful that the venom hadn't taken hold.

"What's up?" He cocked his head to the side slightly and I noticed how the length of his neck flowed down to his shoulder. I let my eyes take in the breadth of his chest and the strength he embodied.

"I just... I had a good time today." I was closer now, so close to him it would have made me uncomfortable before, but now, the need within me screamed for me to close the distance, leaving nothing between us.

"Yeah?" he looked away from me, momentarily unsure of his own confidence. The shyness within him was endearing and melted away the last of my reserve.

I reached out and took his hand. His eyes snapped to mine, a question whispered with the arch of his brow.

"You know what you said before?" I breathed into the space between us.

"Which thing? I kind of said a lot," he asked with a soft voice. It was low and scratched against his throat on the way out, giving him the sound of someone so much older.

"About how I feel…"

Jacob closed his eyes; I'm sure preparing himself for disappointment, for another declaration of how I wish he'd been born my brother instead of friend. He sighed, but before he could speak I ran my thumb across his wrist and lifted his hand gently to my lips.

I kissed his palm softly. His hands were rough and dry. They were big but delicate at the same time, and as I laid my lips upon his skin I heard him suck in a breath. He was warm, warmer than I was, warmer than the rising temperature of the garage.

"Bells?" he questioned me, goosebumps breaking out along his flesh despite the temperature.

I kissed his hand again and then placed my mouth against his wrist. I opened my mouth and kissed him gently, tasting the salty sweetness of the intimate contact.

Looking up, I kept his hand in mine while bringing the other to push the long hair that had fallen in front of his face again behind his ear. His low ponytail had started to fall out and wisps of hair had broken free, framing his face perfectly. He was so much taller than me and I had to stand on my toes to reach him. His eyes held hope and love and I fell into them.

"I… You don't know what I feel."

He shook his head, unable to believe me, unable to think that I had finally given in. My fingers lingered on his face, tracing the line of his brow before coming back to my side.

"You're in love with him," he groaned stepping back from me.

"I'm not."

"Everyday is about him." He glared at me, his hope turning to anger as he thought about being second best.

"It's not. I thought it was but everyday has been about you. About being with you."

Silence hung between us as he pleaded with his eyes.

"I'm not in love with Edward, Jake. I haven't been for a long time. I don't know that I ever really was." I looked down at the oil stained concrete between us, hating the truth in my admission but knowing that I needed to hear it as much as he did.

"He broke your heart. He left you and you fell apart," he pushed.

"I let myself fall apart. I didn't - I didn't understand what it meant to love someone and let them go. But I have, I've let him go." I looked up at him again unable to think of more words to explain it. His sunny smile was gone and I could see the hardness of the man he would become.

"Ok, your heart's not broken any more, that's great." He attempted humor but it was too taunt, too desperate to be funny.

I stood there. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I didn't even know what I wanted. I had reached out and tried, really tried for once to be something more than the stupid girl I always managed to be. I wanted to be someone better then the person I'd become. I wanted to be someone who deserved him and here he was, so guarded.

"Oh fuck," he swore before reaching out to me. He spanned the distance between us with two strides and pulled me into his arms. I didn't resist as he crossed the boundary of our relationship. The lines declaring "friendship only" were ripped away as he passed through them without resistance and brought his lips to mine.

"I…" I breathed in surprise as he pulled away, his gaze focused on me with such intensity I thought I might boil over and evaporate into the air.

My thought was cut off as he brought his lips down to mine again. The heat of his mouth against mine was shocking. I had unconsciously expected the hard, cold lips of a vampire, but as he pressed against me I realized that I was no longer in love with death. Instead, before me was warmth and heat and life.

I wrapped my arms around his neck as he kissed me again and again with a closed but desperate mouth. The tantalizing passion flowing between us was mitigated by the purity of each kiss. He pulled my chest up against his and I felt my body lift slightly off the ground.

"Jake!" I squealed against his lips. "I can't… breathe!"

"Sorry, oh man, sorry Bells." He released his hold on me and stumbled back. "I didn't…" he smiled sheepishly and blushed, making my heart swell.

"It's ok." I giggled. The sound was alien, as if it had come from someone else, but the giddiness in my heart gave me away as the culprit.

"Yeah… Well, I don't really, ok, yeah…" He ran a hand through his hair. "Um, the pizza will be here in like… I don't know… ten minutes or something now, so, do you want to, um… go inside?"

I watched as the unflappable Jacob Black struggled for words and shuffled his feet and I laughed. My chest burst open and my soul sang as I laughed.

"You're laughing at me?" he gaped, insult and humor warring on his face.

"Oh my God…" I gasped, desperate for breath as the tension of the moment broke and we were again just Jake and Bells. "You're so freakin' cute!"

"You're laughing at me!" he roared before rushing me and picking me up. I struggled against his grip but he held me tightly. He stumbled around the crates on the floor we had used as seats and stumbled over to the small couch. He threw me down roughly and I squealed as the springs pinched my skin.

"Jacob Black!" I screamed trying to kick him as he hovered over me before attacking me with his fingers, digging them into my ribs and making me roll and convulse with laughter. I thought I would die from laughter. Between his mock insult and the unwanted spasming of my body, I could hardly breathe.

"Stop it!" I wailed as he pinned me down by straddling my legs.

My voice broke as I gasped for breath against his onslaught. I was being tortured, killed slowly and my smile hurt from spreading so wide.

The tickling ended as quickly as it had begun and now something much more serious passed between us.

One hand next to my head, his thighs astride mine, the other against my side only a finger's breadth from my breast. My chest heaved from laughter and anticipation.

"Bells…" he began, a crease appearing between his brows. "Don't laugh at me ok?"

"Okay…" I mumbled, biting my lip and lifting my chest up against his, not in need for air, but need for him. I felt the pull of fabric as I moved beneath him, desire rising and growing and begging for release.

He lowered himself on top of me slowly. One long leg bent along mine, the other on the floor next to us. When his body was against mine, and the warmth I had felt from him wrapped around me, I gave in. The feeling of his body close to mine was overwhelming, I could feel his touch everywhere, my thighs, my stomach, my heart.

With one hand I wiped the grease off of his cheek and threaded my fingers into his hair. I pulled his lips down to mine. Shifting beneath him I opened my legs, letting his weight settle between them so I could wrap a leg around his as I clung to his body. He was wide and large and strong and embodied everything I had been denying myself. Jacob was life, he was passion.

With need building within me I kissed him, grasping for every moment of contact. Sweet delicate kisses were returned as I struggled to keep myself in control.

Always in control, always holding back, always restraining myself.

I wanted to let go. The madness within my mind was desperate to be released. Instinct fought me and begged that I allow it free reign. My body and heart were tired of being good and moved beneath him, seeking the contact and release of one body against another. I wanted the friction of passion and the delirium of love.

I had finally found the one I wanted, the one who wanted me, but here I was, still only being kissed chastely upon the lips. Jacob's body vibrated above me and the heat of his hand on my hip tore into me, but he didn't meet my passion.

"Jake," I whined.

He kissed me again sweetly.

"What honey?" He moaned

"Don't you…" I blushed, hating having to ask, having to ask again. "Don't you want me?"

"What?" his eyes were huge as he pulled away and I shivered in the warm night air without his heat.

"Don't you?" I pulled my legs back as he sunk into the couch next to me.

He cut me off sharply, "Are you retarded? Do you smoke pot or do crack or something I don't know about? Because you have to be seriously deranged to even ask me that!" Anger rolled off of him and I knew that I'd done something wrong, but I didn't know what. His eyes shone black with pain and hurt that I had put there but I was lost as to what I had done. I wanted him, I wanted him with everything I was and all I wanted was for him to feel the same.

I'd thought he had, I'd thought he'd seen _me_, wanted _me!_

"No, but…"

"But what Bella?"

"Why won't you kiss me?" I ventured, feeling the sting of tears in the corners of my eyes at the inevitable disappointment. _Because you could get hurt_. The memory of his words came back like a slap in the face, the cruelty within only now clear to me.

"What?"

"Why won't you kiss me?" I demanded, my anger at Edward seeping over and spilling onto Jacob.

"I heard you, what are you talking about? I was kissing you!"

"But not really, just…" he blushed and looked away. I gasped knowing instantly what was wrong. "Oh…"

"Don't make me feel stupid Bella; I'm doing it wrong aren't I?"

"No!" I insisted. "It was... sweet."

"Sweet, but wrong," he grumbled.

"Jake, I'm sorry, I didn't know." He blushed at my realization of his innocence.

"That's not how _he _kissed you is it? That's not what _he_ gave you."

"I'm not talking about him!"

"No? You aren't comparing every touch, every moment?" his anger flashed out and struck me, cutting through me.

"No, I haven't! Are you so stupid? Do you want me to tell you what it was like with Edward? Huh? I will, it was _exactly_ like this! He never kissed me, never wanted me. I thought you did."

"Great…" he dropped his head into his hands and groaned. "I'm such an idiot! Fuck! I ruined it!"

"No, Jake…" I back stepped, reigning in my frustration, knowing that my anger wasn't fair. I got up on my knees to get closer to him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean... Jake please? Can you look at me? You haven't ever even kissed anyone?"

"Ahh fuck…" he kept his hands over his eyes in mortification and leaned back on the couch. "I'm such a fucking dork! I finally get the girl and I can't even kiss her right!"

While he wallowed in his frustration I pulled on my new found well of confidence. I needed him. He wasn't Edward and I knew that, I knew that this wasn't the same thing and I had to find the place in me that could show him how I felt. I needed him to know how much he meant to me, how much I wanted him, that he didn't ruin anything.

Slowly I raised myself onto my knees and swung one leg over his lap. His eyes flew open as I settled myself on top of him. I could feel him through my clothes, so warm and soft, so perfect.

His hands fluttered as if he didn't know what to do with them so I took one in mine and placed it on my hip and then took the other and placed it on my breast. The heat from his hand was intoxicating and the feeling of his touch made me gasp. My eyes widened at the sensation and I looked down at him. He stared at me uncomprehending, and then looked down to my chest and took in the sight before him. His large tan hand palmed my small breast easily and with a ragged breath he allowed his hand to squeeze slightly.

I leaned into his touch and moaned as his eyes lifted to mine, wide and full of awe. The feeling of his warmth against my breast was heavenly and rocked through me, urging my aching desire on.

"You didn't ruin anything," I whispered as I brought one hand to his face and the other to his shoulder to steady myself.

I leaned down and kissed his full mouth as he had kissed mine. I moved my hips slightly to readjust and he lifted up against me, bringing his erection against my core, making me gasp. The need within me flared and burnt brighter and hotter then ever before.

"I'm… I'm sorry," he stuttered blushing furiously, pulling his hand from my chest.

"No," I stated before letting my body sink further into his lap, increasing the contact between us. I slid along the length of him, pulling a moan from his lips. His hand fell to my thigh as his body stilled completely, the only thing moving was the heaving of his chest.

I leaned down and kissed him again before opening my mouth and licking his lower lip. I could taste his breath. His lip was soft and plump as I pulled it into my mouth. He moaned deep in his chest, a vibrating feral sound that caused me to shiver before pulling his lower lip into my mouth.

Slowly I caressed him before using my tongue to part his lips.

"Hmmmmnnnngg," he moaned as he opened his mouth in compliance. His grip on me tightened and I felt his arms wrap around my lower back pulling me closer and down against him. My need was painful and desperate as I ground my hips against him.

"Jake... yes..." I fisted his hair and pushed my tongue into his mouth. He accepted the intrusion and met me halfway, tasting and devouring me. His kiss was desperate and hungry, like a starving animal that couldn't stop to consider saving anything for later. His grip was tight and greedy and I loved it.

I wasn't a breakable china doll. I wasn't a precious commodity to be adored from afar. I was a woman. I needed to be held and loved and ravished. Having been given permission, he went about it with greed.

I pulled away from his lips and lowered my mouth to his neck, drawing the sweet flesh into my mouth. His arms released me and his hands caressed my back and slowly moved down until he was grasping my ass. I nipped at his skin and was rewarded with a growl and a tightening of his grip on my hips.

I kissed and licked and chewed my way along his jugular until I came to his ear. Pulling the soft lobe into my mouth I ground my hips against him, feeling a sudden and all consuming fire coming from deep within me. There was something warm and wonderful on the other side of the horizon and as I moved against him, my hands gripping his shoulders and hair and back, I could feel it coming closer.

"Bells…" his husky voice panted as he steadied his hands on my hips and pushed me gently away.

"No," I said and lunged back at him, taking the taste of his mouth into mine again.

"Bells, come on…" he laughed now and I pulled away with a pout.

"The pizza guy's here," he smirked with a cock of his head. As we sat there, disheveled and out of breath I heard the crunch of tires on gravel.

"Oh," I frowned, wanting pizza about as much as I wanted to be tarred and feathered.

"Wait here," he said lifting me off of his lap effortlessly before standing and straightening his shirt and pants. "I'll be right back."

"I'll keep your place warm." I didn't recognize my own voice, or the hint of the devil that tinged the sound.

Jacob gulped as he looked at me before nodding and walking out to meet the intruding delivery man.


	2. Chapter 2

To read the updated chapters of this story please visit Pavarti's profile as we will not be updating them here.

Thank You,

bellaBBblack & wordslinger


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